…will totally be discussed next Friday!!! 

Kids, my RLHM (Real Life Hot Man) is whisking me off for a weekend excursion in Sin City, and, in fact, is standing at the door with car keys in hand as we speak.  I must away!  There will be stories (aren’t there ALWAYS stories from Las Vegas?) so make sure you catch me next week, same Hot time, same Hot place.  ‘Twill also be my last HMD from Los Angeles proper…don’t miss it!

And before I forget -

Week 104: down 0 pounds or, as I’m preferring to look at it this week, up 0 pounds (-57 pounds total!)  WOO HOO!  The bleeding’s been stopped.  Small victories, people.  Small victories.

Have a Mantastic week!

Week 103: up 2 pounds (-57 pounds total!)

Hey kids!  How’s everybody doing this fine Friday morning?  Yes, you are correct - I am indeed in a Mantastic mood.  Kids, Her Hotness is moving on up…to Long Beach!  Ahhh, so much drama in the LBC.  It will be the perfect place for Leah B.  I have made the commute from LA to Long Beach for far, far too long.  I have become so intimately familiar with the contours of the 405, have shaved so many years off my life from road rage…no more!  That highway, that blasted highway…the descent to hell begins and ends on the 405.  I’m over it.  And talking about having lady luck on my side…kids, kids, kids, Summer Leah is going to be a blazing beacon of light lo these next few months…kids - I’m moving to the beach!  Holy crap!  Prep your livers, dust off your swimsuits and pack some limes.  We’re gonna party!! 

It’s kind of ironic that this news finds me in such good spirits, especially in light of today’s poor showing (again, ugh!  This move better burn some serious calories!)  Ya’ll know these last few weeks have been rough for me, all kinds of angst and stress and general malaise.  A change in geography, though well needed and much desired, became yet another in the long and growing list of “Major Life Shit” that was bringing me down.  I felt really weighed down, just bummed and listless.  I was missing my spark.  I was off my game.  This past Tuesday I was finally able to articulate my woes - instead of regarding things as an adventure I was seeing everything as a chore.  Whaaa?  That’s not me, not really.  We’re talking about Leah here, the gal who decided to go to college in Atlanta because “why not get to know the South?”, the same gal who moved from there to New York City on a whim and a prayer, for no good reason except that it seemed like it might be fun.  Not a lot of people do that.  But I did.  So why not now? 

Well, duh.  We know the answer to that.  We’ve asked it before, and we’ve answered it before.  In spite of all of my good times, good times party girl posturing I’m really one uptight biotch.  It’s true!  I’m not beating up on myself here, it’s very, very true.  So while it is in my nature to be fun loving, adventurous and affable, underneath it all hides a perfectionist who rears her ugly head every three or four months to constantly remind me of all the things I’m doing “wrong” or “not well enough” or “not at all”.  I thought she’d disappear when a Real Life Hot Man (RLHM) entered the picture, but daggummit if she didn’t come on even stronger.  All sense of play disappears in her presence.  All is cloudy and overcast and dreary, dreary, dreary…

But she can’t beat an apartment on the beach.

No one can beat an apartment on the beach!  An apartment that I landed into bass ackwards, that my boss found for me and practically dragged me to and that I knew, in an instant, was the perfect apartment.  Aha!  A chink in the wall.  You see, perfectionism knows no cracks.  It cannot withstand holes.  It is all or nothing.  And nothing never felt so good!  She is gone, and I am back, ready for my next adventure!

I’m not here to be perfect.  I’m just here to be happy.  Can ya’ll remind me of that the next time I have my head up my ass?

Now - which one of you suckas is gonna help me move?!

Hot Manspiration of the Week:

The Name:  Bear Grylls

The Show: Man vs. Wild

The Premise:  A one-man Survivor with actual survivor skills…and a killer accent 

Reason To Watch:  He’s Hot

Reason To Watch:  Will Ferrell guest-starred on last week’s ep

Reason To Watch:  Seriously, he’s really smoking Hot!

Week 102: up 2 pounds (-59 pounds total!)

Good morning, Hot Man Dieteers!  A belated Happy 2nd Anniversary to you all!  Silly me.  I completely missed a major milestone.  Happy Anniversary!    

So…unless you’ve been hiding under a rock (or are new to the HMD family, in which case I wish you a hearty hello!) you know that I have a rather major realization still needing/wanting/waiting to be revealed.  Fear not, my chitlins - the time is nigh.  Today is the day.  The moment has come.  It is my belated anniversary gift to you.  Are you sitting down?

(A small part of me fears I may have pumped this disclosure up a tad much…will you be disappointed?  Will you be unmoved?  Eeeck and egads!)

My weight loss, stalled at present though it may be, has brought forth any number of blessings, some expected, some a pleasant surprise.  Among the latter is the physical buoyancy and agilityI now possess courtesy of a years plus worth of butt kicking cardio and weight training (thanks Eileen!).  The ease with which I move through the world delights me to no end.  For those of you who have never been significantly overweight or out of shape this may seem an exaggeration.  Trust me - it is not.  60 pounds is a cumbersome load, no matter your strength, no matter your height, no matter your anything.  My movements, once heavy and leaden, are now light and, dare I say it, graceful.  My body now does what I want instead of the other way around.  It is so awesome, such a great side benefit of this whole endeavor.  I love it, and I deserve it.  I busted my ass to earn it.  Go me!

But the revelation?

Kids, I thought I knew why I was here.  I started Hot Man Diet with the clearest of Mantentions - I would use Hot Men to help create a Hot Me so I could snag a Hot Man.  Simple, right?  Perfectly simple.  A direct path leading to a desired goal.  And yeah, if along the way I also got “healthier” and “happier” and “more confident” that would all be icing on my Hotcake.  That was why I was here.  That was why we were all here.  But a funny thing happened on the way to Manjoyment.  On my way to becoming a Hot Me I have instead become something else.  I’ve become a sex machine.

Whaaa???!!!!

(Now - this is typically the moment where I would politely ask my mother and/or anyone who knows my mother, is in frequent contact with my mother or attends church with my mother to STOP READING NOW.  But whatever, we’re all adults here, aren’t we?  Besides, I’m a grown ass woman who has grown ass woman needs and this grown ass woman needs this, mmkay?  So Mom, it is your call.  Just don’t call me if’n you don’t like the call you make.)

I HAVE BECOME A SEX MACHINE.

Kids, Her Hotness has become a whiz in the sack.  I’m not being boastful, I’m not here to brag, I simply must call a spade a spade and this spade knows what in the hell she’s doing under the sheets!  Whoa nelly!  I can’t help it, and I don’t know when exactly this change occurred…you’ve heard me talk before about my great sexpectations…you know how much I pride myself on being American…and by gum you’re now all intimately familiar with Talent and Ambition, so this news shouldn’t be too out of left field.  Here’s what happened - take a gal with a lifelong tendency to be surprisingly flexible and add the strength, endurance, agility and muscle control of a years plus worth of butt kicking cardio and weight training and you have a SEX MACHINE! 

And so even though two pounds may creep up here and there (again I ask for you to trust me - next week’s results will NOT continue this trend!), even though my spirits may sometimes wax and wane, I have to admit that things are pretty damn good for me right now.  I am a SEX MACHINE.  How can I complain?

Get up, get on up
Get up, get on up
Stay on the scene, like a sex machine

Woo hooo!!!!!!!!!

Hot Manspiration of the Week:  Someone needs to tell my Secret Weapon about Hot Man Diet Requests and Dedications, because this week she has been all up in my face about one particular piece of Mancandy she’s jonesing for.  The following text was sent to me at 7:20 am (7:20 AM!!!): “Please - Jason Statham doing human flag!  Look it up & die!  Please this Friday 4 me?  I will luv you 4ever!”  My god, woman, calm down!  And yes, yes, of course I will do the Jason Statham human flag pic for you, you who are responsible for at least 40 of my 60 pounds lost with your years plus worth of butt kicking cardio and weight training (thanks Eileen!).  Rules, schmules.  Anything for you.  Here is your human flag (plus one).  Your human flag of Hotness.  Let your Hot flag fly! 

Week 101: up 2 pounds (-61.0 pounds total!)

Okay…deep breath…

Hi kids.  How ya doing?  Have a nice Memorial Day?  Me, too.  I went to a Dodger game and cooked out and oh my god I’m a hot mess ya’ll like a hot raging melting ball of fire mess over here losing my mind all my faculties good sense out the window not right not right not right hot mothertrucking mess somebody please what the what the what the?!?!??!?!? 

…deep breath…VERY deep breath…

There.  Kids, are you still with me?  Are you still here?  After all I’ve put you through, are you still hanging in there?  Well daggummit, I believe you are.  I am glad you are, so very, very glad for each and every one of you.  Especially now, because mama has been going through some stuff lately, some real low down dirty stuff, and I feel the need to be real for a second.  Like, really real.  Like, this is what happens when you stop being Hot and start being real.  That kind of real.  You ready?

I know I promised ya’ll a Major Revelation a few weeks back, a promise I know I have yet to deliver.  I still will, and when I do you will love it, I promise you.  As Martha would say, “It’s a Good Thing.”  It is.  But it is not right for today.  Not for today when I’ve stopped being Hot and started being real.

My life right now is very Dickensian.  I am having both the best of times (Real Life Hot Man good and only getting better, woo hoo!) and the worst of times (up 2 pounds?!?!  Has Her Hotness left the building?!) and this emotional see-saw is wearing me out.  The weekends I spend with my boyfriend, my “do you REALLY have to live an HOUR away?!” boyfriend, are all goodness and light - I am funny and carefree and energetic and full of life, I feel happy and calm and content.  But my weeks, my weeks are potboilers, my job leaves me listless and bitter, bitter that at 35 I am SO FAR off my path professionally that all hope feels gone, I can’t find time to write, I don’t even think about finding time to act, apart from the still quality time I spend with my Secret Weapon I am lucky to work in a hot second of cardio, my days are full, full, full and yet far from fulfilling, just busy, busy, busy, busy with crap, and worst of all, WORST OF ALL, the Pill is making me fat!!!!

Is it okay for me to be this honest?  C’mon, we’ve known each other how long?  Can I be real here for a second?  Because the mothertrucking birth control pill is making me fat!!!!  Otherwise why, how, why do I just want to eat, eat, eat?!?!  When did my mind warp so much to believe that an appropriate follow up to a foot long Italian sub was a Twix bar?  Huh?!?!  This is me, ME, the girl who managed to lose upwards of 50 pounds while still partying like a rock star.  This is Her Hotness!!  If I look back to when this steady climb upwards started there is only one obvious answer - the Pill!!!  Oh, I suppose one could also argue that I’m just gaining my “happy to be in a relationship” weight, but eff that!  I refuse to assign such lowness to my RLHM.  And please, so help me God please DO NOT tell me that “maybe my body is just adjusting”or “it’s time to step it up” or “gotta be accountable for every last morsel” because I will smash your face in.  And then I will eat it.  Not because I want to.  Only because the pill is making me fat!!!!!

So that’s it.  That’s me.  I’ve come to no conclusions, I’ve got no tidy ending for ya’ll save but two things:  1) Will Ferrell, who makes me howl with laughter and who delights me to no end and whose movies I look forward to with a rabid fan-nity unseen since my NKOTB years, and 2) this quote from Samuel Beckett that may just be the light at the end of this theater geek’s tunnel - “Try again.  Fail again.  Fail better.”

Here goes. 

Oh NO She DIDN’T!!!!

Oh no she didn’t come up in this piece up here today without the the entry she PROMISED last week, oh hells no!  Oh no she didn’t spend all that time blathering on and on about some revelation, some thing that she became while she thought she was supposed to become something else, only to oversleep this morning - OVERSLEEP?!?! - rendering her incapable of producing anything of quality.  She did not come up in this piece up here today and instead write one of those lame apology entries, the kind where she attempts to use humor and wit to sidestep the fact that oh hells no she is not gonna make everyone wait ONE MORE WEEK for that long brewing, forever stewing entry.  Oh.  Hells.  No!  Especially since this week, this week, FINALLY this week she has some good news to report weight-wise.  Oh no she didn’t forfeit her chance to shout from the mountaintops:

Week 99:  down 2 pounds (-63.0 pounds total!)

Oh hells no!!  Oh hells no!!  Not when it’s been, I dunno, almost 8 WEEKS since she last lost weight!  Not when she’s finally, FINALLY, put an end to the bleeding, got back on track, worked out like a mo fo, handled the hooch like a lady on a mission and, most importantly, got this Hot mess under CONTROL.  Finally.  Finally.  FINALLY!

And now what?  What?!  Is she gonna completely round out this circle of lameness by forgetting to provide a Hot Manspiration of the Week?  Is she gonna ignore the Hotness?  Or is she gonna offer some sort of pathetic consolation prize by shoving some Hot pic of that little cutie pie she keeps seeing in commercials on tv, the only dude Hot enough to make her even CONSIDER seeing that new Star Trek movie, that dude whose name she does not know but whose lips she cannot forget…you know the dude…

And so this is what we’re left with.  Another week to wait and watch and worry and wonder.  Another week…

Oh no she didn’t!!!